How to Check In on a Mate: Simple Ways to Look Out for the Lads

Life can be a lot for any of us at times. Work, bills, family and everyone asking how you're getting on can pile up, and if you're not great, it's hard to carry that while acting like all is well.

This is a plain guide for anyone who wants to look out for a mate, a brother, a dad, a son or a partner. You don't need training or perfect words. You just need to be willing to ask.

Why some lads find things hard

Not every man finds it tough, and plenty of lads are doing fine. But for some, extra weight can build up. A few of the things that can pile up:

• Money worries. Bills, food, travel and nights out all cost, and it can feel like you're failing if you can't keep up.
• Loneliness. Some lads are on their own, living far from home, or just feel out of step when everyone else seems to be surrounded by people.
• Family tension. Old arguments and awkward silences tend to come out when people are under the one roof.
• Grief. An empty chair at the table can be very loud, whether the loss was last month or years ago.
• Too much drink. Alcohol is everywhere, and it can make low moods heavier, not lighter.
• The pressure to seem fine. Many of us were raised to get on with it and not make a fuss. That can leave a lad putting on a good act while he's struggling.

What you might notice

There's no checklist, and you're not trying to diagnose anyone. You're just a mate who knows him. Trust that. Some things that might make you pause:

• He's gone quiet, or is dodging the group chat or the usual plans.
• He seems short-tempered or on edge, not like himself.
• He's drinking more than usual, or leaving early and keeping to himself.
• He's stopped bothering with things he normally enjoys.
• He says things like "I'm grand" a bit too quickly, or makes jokes that sound a bit flat.

Any of these could be nothing. Checking in costs very little, and it's worth doing anyway.

Easy ways to start the conversation

Send a simple text

Keep it short and low-pressure. Something like: "Thinking of you, how are you getting on?" or "Haven't seen you in a while. Fancy a chat this week?" He doesn't have to reply straight away, and that's fine.

Suggest a walk or a pint of something non-alcoholic

Lads often find it easier to talk when they're side by side, not face to face. A walk, a drive, a coffee or a pint of something non-alcoholic takes the pressure off. There's no big sit-down and no big deal made of it.

Ask twice

The first "how are you?" often gets "grand, yourself?" That's normal. Ask again a bit later, gently: "No bother if not, but how are you really doing?" The second ask lets him know you mean it.

Listen without trying to fix it

This is the hard part for a lot of us. You don't need to solve anything. You don't need the right advice. Let him talk, nod, and say things like "that sounds rough" or "I'm glad you told me." Being heard is often what helps most.

Keep the offer open if he says he's grand

If he's not ready to talk, don't push and don't take it personally. Say, "Fair enough. I'm around if you ever want a chat, any time." Then follow up in a few days with another text or a cuppa. Showing up more than once matters.

Looking after yourself too

Checking in on someone can be a lot, especially if you're having a rough time yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes. A few everyday habits help:

• Get outside for a walk, even a short one.
• Keep a bit of routine around sleep and meals.
• Go easy on the drink.
• Talk to someone yourself, whether that's a mate, a partner or a peer support group.
• Remember you're not his only support, and you're not responsible for fixing things. Being a good mate is enough.

If he opens up about something heavy

If a mate tells you he's really struggling, or mentions thoughts of suicide, stay calm and stay with him. Thank him for telling you. Ask him directly how he's doing and listen. Asking about suicide doesn't put the idea in someone's head, and it can be a relief to be asked. Encourage him to contact a support service or his GP, and offer to sit with him while he does. If you think he's in immediate danger, call 999 or 112.

The Let's Talk Lads chat

If you'd like somewhere to talk, or you want to point a mate in that direction, Let's Talk Lads runs a free, anonymous Signal group chat for men. It's a place to talk, listen and know you're not on your own. You can join in, or just read along until you're ready.

To be clear, the chat is peer support. It's not a crisis service and it's not a medical service, and it doesn't replace professional help. It's lads talking to lads. You can find out how to join at letstalklads.com.

Where to find help

If you or someone you know is struggling, there are people ready to listen, day or night. You'll find the support numbers just below. Reaching out is a strong thing to do, for yourself or for a mate.

You don't have to say anything perfect. A text, a walk or a simple "how are you really?" can mean more than you think. And if it's you who's finding things tough, it's okay to say so.